Me: (looking at an empty bag of chocolate chips) Did you eat this whole bag?
Wife: “No.”
Me: “The bag is empty.”
Wife: “Yeah, I ate it.”
Wife: (belches) “It was the baby!”
Wife: “Today, my shoes are in the bathtub. And my other pair, in the shower, of course.” (Spoken as if this was normal.)
Wife: “I’ve never felt so good in a bathing suit before. Everyone just expects everything to be hanging out, it’s great!”
Wife: “Oops… I left another belly print on the mirror.”
Baby-brain moment: “Hold on, I want to type this down…. type this out… wait, is that like write this down?”
Me: (passing through the kitchen with a glass of bourbon)
Wife: “OH MY GOD… That smells SO good!!!”
Wife: “I’ve decided, for Lebowskifest this year, I’m drinking virgin white Russians.”
Me: “That would be a glass of milk.”
Wife: “I know, but I’m calling them virgin white Russians.”
